Okay, let's give a shout out to the universal DRT conversation. "Define the Relationship", those times we either dread having, dread inititating, or dread...avoiding. We've all had them. And, like it or not, they are at least partially responsible for the advancement of most relationships.
But how to know if what you're having is indeed a DTR, and not just another random fight about something that happened, or an excuse to ETR? (End the Relationship) Usually, these types of phrases are included in the prototype DTR, and don't merely occur in other everyday conversational types.
"Where do you see us going?"
"What are we?" (This is NOT referring to whether we are people, vegetables, or minutae...)
"I don't want to date other people"
"I was thinking we could be more"
(Or, very sneakily,)
"What do you call me when you talk about me to your friends?"
Something like that. Sometimes girls are the one to broach the subject, but in my experience it's mostly been the guys that have done so. With motivations ranging from insecurity because of a possible rival, or some innate male need to stake a claim on perceived territory, to simple curiousity about what the other person feels... there are many reasons to instigate a DTR. But that's not what this particular post is about. This post is about once again deciphering what is going on in the female noggin, when one thing is coming out of our mouths... and 9/10 times, something completely different is going on upstairs.
This particular brain-to-mouth phenomenon that I wish to take note of is the oversimplification designed to elicit a specific response: "I don't know". Unlike the intention that normally precludes this phrase, to explain a lack of knowledge or otherwise indicate ignorance of fact pertaining to the matter at hand, this phrase, when spoken by a girl in response to a DTR-like question, does NOT (contrary to popular belief) mean she is ignorant. Instead, an "I don't know" springing from the "How do you feel about us?" query means a solid one or two things:
One. She is waiting for you to declare your intentions FIRST, before she gives up any of what she's thinking. After all, how does she know why you were asking that question? Particularly if you just slipped it in between a "how was your day?" and "would you prefer a breast or a thigh?" question set. Anyway, as I was saying, in this situation, you need to ask yourself whether you've made it clear (at least in general, for those of you who are faint of heart; i.e. pansies) which direction you're heading. What is it you want her to say? Because honestly, we all know that if you're stupid enough to ask this question, you've got to be a) totally prepared for whatever response she's going to give, b) hoping to move the relationship into a higher plane, or ready to move on, but have definitely been giving subtle signals in said direction --Or, HELLO, you might end up with an "I love you" when you were wanting more of a "Let's see other people" chat, my friend-- and finally, you must also be c) NOT just trying to punk out on making a decision because you want her to do it for you. (If you have done this before, or are planning on doing this again, I swear on behalf of every girl anywhere that I will hunt you to the ends of the earth, and I will make it hurt when I find you. Ahem.)
Two. She does know, but she wants you to say it first. This is a variation of Reason One, except there are some slight differences. She's probably at least 50% sure that this is one of those "good" talks, but just in case she's not going to let you off the hook. Plus, it's good for you to sweat once in a while. Therefore, when you ask, she will say "I don't know", possibly with a coy look and a "go ahead and convince me" type of smile. This is your cue to NOT be a moron, and to tell her exactly what you have in mind as far as the future of the relationship goes.
Three. She knows, but she was really, REALLY hoping you wouldn't ask. The answer is not good, and you've been totally oblivious up until this point. Usually this type of response will be precluded by some pretty obvious avoidance, and occasionally a few "missed calls". If you've noticed this kind of behavior and you ask anyway, well you've got huevos my friend. Only once in my life have I seen this all-out approach work, but it's worth trying if you're crazy about the girl. Basically, you ignore the signals, get her alone, and go all cards on the table with how you feel. She will at this point say something like "I don't know" (which really means "oh crap I don't feel the same way because I haven't thought about you like that or I just can't see us --fill in the blank--"), and this is your cue to start convincing big time. It's probably your last chance to do so, too, because this is going to be super awkward.
Now that we've defined the three major possible reasons for the use of "I don't know" in a DTR, let's review just a few key things.
Girls think way ahead in relationships. Even if they haven't looked months or years into the future, they're weighing and measuring how things will last at least into the weeks. Those who claim that they haven't thought about "where it's going", are either lying, or they've been very successfully forcing themselves NOT to. Therefore, an "I don't know" is rarely caused by a lack of thought on the matter, but instead means that something is in the way of her expressing her thoughts.
Fear, insecurity, doubt, discomfort, or chewing are some of the more popular preventatives to DTR free speech. Making sure a girl is comfortable and unthreatened is a good way to start a conversation of this type, but you should always be careful anyway. And don't, for the love of God, go to KFC.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Porn on the Doorstep
In the traditional pastimes of women, Vero, O'Hara, and I sat around airing our grievances against the male population. Why did he dump me? What's with the silent treatment? Why doesn't he talk to me? Should I dump him? Is he going to dump me? The only possible explanations stemmed from feminine rational.
"If only we had a male perspective," someone lamented.
And what did our wondering eyes did appear? Two men complete in matching jump suits, beanies, and plastic gloves. "We're here to paint the walls." No, dear readers, this was not some strange innuendo, but the very real reality that Vero was halfway through painting her living room walls. Earlier she had requested the help of her two friends, and they had mischievously denied the opportunity to bask in Vero's company, but that was merely a ruse to disguise their true intentions.
This is porn for women. Fully clothed, smiling, spontaneously-helpful men. We only could swoon as they proceeded to paint their walls without direction or assistance and offering their masculine insight why men might cause broken relationships. Extensively. For at least an hour.
The icing on the cake, and gentlemen take note, "Did you dye your hair? It looks really good," inquired Smurf. "Why, yes," I replied, "as a matter of fact I have. Thank you." Oh my gosh. I may need to have a talk with my ecclesiastic leader.
"If only we had a male perspective," someone lamented.
And what did our wondering eyes did appear? Two men complete in matching jump suits, beanies, and plastic gloves. "We're here to paint the walls." No, dear readers, this was not some strange innuendo, but the very real reality that Vero was halfway through painting her living room walls. Earlier she had requested the help of her two friends, and they had mischievously denied the opportunity to bask in Vero's company, but that was merely a ruse to disguise their true intentions.
This is porn for women. Fully clothed, smiling, spontaneously-helpful men. We only could swoon as they proceeded to paint their walls without direction or assistance and offering their masculine insight why men might cause broken relationships. Extensively. For at least an hour.
The icing on the cake, and gentlemen take note, "Did you dye your hair? It looks really good," inquired Smurf. "Why, yes," I replied, "as a matter of fact I have. Thank you." Oh my gosh. I may need to have a talk with my ecclesiastic leader.
Friday, September 14, 2007
How to Speak Girl, section 3
How to avoid terror at the infamous Doorstep Scene:
Now, if you've been paying attention so far, there's no reason for you to freak out. By this point in the date, you should already know how she feels about you, how comfortable she is with you, and whether or not she wants you to touch her. Ever.
If you don't know, you either weren't paying attention, or you are an example of what we have come to technically refer to as stoo-pid. Did you try to hold her hand at any point in the evening, put your arm about her, etc? (These actions are known as "feeling out the terrain" or "laying the groundwork". But in actuality, they're really more like applying for a permit to do either of those things.) Of course, she's on a date with you, and so a certain level of non-hating can be assumed, however physical contact is NEVER something you should just blindly jump into. Unless you have a death wish, or you are very creepy.
So, if you have already lain groundwork, felt out territory, etc... ask yourself how she responded to that and then times it by about twelve. Did she ignore your attempt at interlocking digits? Or did she grab on willingly and initiate the hand caress maneuver that is so popular in the college set? Did she struggle, or create an embarrassing scene when your arm reached around her? Or perhaps, start screaming? (These last two will not have been in the "good sign" category, in case you weren't already aware.) And so, if her reaction to these were on the tentatively favorable, accepting, or blatantly delighted category, feel free to proceed to the doorstep. With caution.
Keep in mind on the last leg of this journey a few little things. One, watch for body language signals. Two, look for lingering eye contact. That's pretty much the Atilla of all "Kiss me" signals. And thirdly, try to weigh the girl's personality and level of innocence against her image, and do not (I repeat, DO NOT) overstep the boundaries of what a first kiss would be to her. In other words, if she's the timid librarian type, and you slobber all over her, game over. Or, if you think she's a wild one and won't mind getting thrown up against the door on a first date, think again. It doesnt' just depend on what she wants (deep down, some do) but what she thinks and also (I HATE to mention this one) what her friends think. And her roomates. Because when she eventually goes inside the house (easy there, Tiger, save some for later) and tells her roomates, sisterfriends, or...mom? what went down, you do not want her to have to edit. Because you are a nice boy, and nice boys don't go Brad Pitt's version of Achilles on the first date. Mmmkay?
Last tidbits of advice for the conclusion of the door scene:
Just like any good Emily Post reader, don't forget to thank her for the date, even if it does seem wildly inappropriate after having just had a biblical introduction. Your mom will be proud.
Also, if a kiss was had, you should probably send her at least a text message that night on your way home, or call her in the morning. Second thoughts and doubts usually (for girls) happen right after any kind of plunge is taken, and not before like you guys.
Last but not least, remember to drive safely home, and try not to run into anything please.
Now, if you've been paying attention so far, there's no reason for you to freak out. By this point in the date, you should already know how she feels about you, how comfortable she is with you, and whether or not she wants you to touch her. Ever.
If you don't know, you either weren't paying attention, or you are an example of what we have come to technically refer to as stoo-pid. Did you try to hold her hand at any point in the evening, put your arm about her, etc? (These actions are known as "feeling out the terrain" or "laying the groundwork". But in actuality, they're really more like applying for a permit to do either of those things.) Of course, she's on a date with you, and so a certain level of non-hating can be assumed, however physical contact is NEVER something you should just blindly jump into. Unless you have a death wish, or you are very creepy.
So, if you have already lain groundwork, felt out territory, etc... ask yourself how she responded to that and then times it by about twelve. Did she ignore your attempt at interlocking digits? Or did she grab on willingly and initiate the hand caress maneuver that is so popular in the college set? Did she struggle, or create an embarrassing scene when your arm reached around her? Or perhaps, start screaming? (These last two will not have been in the "good sign" category, in case you weren't already aware.) And so, if her reaction to these were on the tentatively favorable, accepting, or blatantly delighted category, feel free to proceed to the doorstep. With caution.
Keep in mind on the last leg of this journey a few little things. One, watch for body language signals. Two, look for lingering eye contact. That's pretty much the Atilla of all "Kiss me" signals. And thirdly, try to weigh the girl's personality and level of innocence against her image, and do not (I repeat, DO NOT) overstep the boundaries of what a first kiss would be to her. In other words, if she's the timid librarian type, and you slobber all over her, game over. Or, if you think she's a wild one and won't mind getting thrown up against the door on a first date, think again. It doesnt' just depend on what she wants (deep down, some do) but what she thinks and also (I HATE to mention this one) what her friends think. And her roomates. Because when she eventually goes inside the house (easy there, Tiger, save some for later) and tells her roomates, sisterfriends, or...mom? what went down, you do not want her to have to edit. Because you are a nice boy, and nice boys don't go Brad Pitt's version of Achilles on the first date. Mmmkay?
Last tidbits of advice for the conclusion of the door scene:
Just like any good Emily Post reader, don't forget to thank her for the date, even if it does seem wildly inappropriate after having just had a biblical introduction. Your mom will be proud.
Also, if a kiss was had, you should probably send her at least a text message that night on your way home, or call her in the morning. Second thoughts and doubts usually (for girls) happen right after any kind of plunge is taken, and not before like you guys.
Last but not least, remember to drive safely home, and try not to run into anything please.
How to Speak Girl, section 2
I wish I could tell you each and every example of the dozens of dates I've been on where I not only felt completely detached from the subject of the date, but eventually wanted to escape.
This is because the guy was either A) completely obsessed with doing everything correctly, and paying SO much attention to his own words, actions, and body language trying to impress me that he had NO CLUE how I was doing, B) what we girls tend to call a "player", who prides himself on his ability to get exactly what he wants from a girl using flattery, manipulation, or well planned out truth, but is STILL only thinking about what HE wants from ME, but not me or C) is honestly really good at asking questions and listening to the answers, but spends so much time reacting, trying to interpret those answers or read into them that he misses what I'm actually saying
Now, with the A types, here's what usually happens:
He's a nice guy, really nothing wrong with him, and I had an okay time. But it was more like watching a performance than getting to know an actual person and he comes off as very insecure. Girls don't like insecurity when it comes to acting on feelings, it sends a very bad sign. I might go out on another date, but as a girl I'm not really intrigued, or hoping for anything else.
B types:
We know what you're doing, and it pisses us off. We realize you're playing us like a guitar, and sometimes allow it anyway for whatever reason, but bottom line, we don't like to be manipulated. So even if you do get what you want in the short run, we'll end up hating you in the long run.
C types:
Usually this type confuses us. Do you want to date me, or do you want to be my best friend? You're so busy picking up vibes that you aren't sending any out, and I'm beginning to wonder if you might be a little gay.
How to avoid being one of these types:
Everything in life requires balance. Dealing with a girl is a lot like dancing the Flamenco with plates in your hands and an egg on your head, but it's doable. The first thing you need to realize is that the date is NOT ABOUT YOU. It is about her. That's why you asked her out, because you already know all about you, and you want to know about her. So many guys forget this because they think she wants to know more about them, before she'll give them a chance. But you've neglected to notice that she's already on a date with you. That means you need to stop trying to impress her and get to know her.
So, you want to know whether or not she likes you? Two words: body language.
Q) When you picked her up, (which you should have) did she spare more than one glance at what you were wearing? Did she pause in shock if you were dressed more nicely than you normally are when she sees you? Did she comment at all on the way you looked or smelled?
A) One, two, or All of the Above: Bonus. She's physically aware of you. And either she likes what shes seen already, or she's willing to start thinking about it. Also, if she looks taken aback at all by your hot appearance, there's a chance she's rethinking her opinion of you for the better.
Q) Did she seem comfortable? Were her arms crossed in front of her body, or did she fold her hands together? Did she angle towards you in the car or across the table at dinner? Did she put her hands on top of the table, or under it? Did she ever "unintentionally" brush up against you when it was completely unnecessary?
A) Most of these are pretty easy to judge. Arms crossed or hands folded = bad. She feels uncomfortable, insecure, or threatened. You need to either back off, draw her out, or make her feel safer. Under the table is also not so good a sign, although she might also just be cold. Another sign that most guys would never think to look for: Did she keep her bag in her lap (at the movie theater, under the table, or in the car)? This is a sign of discomfort, mistrust, or an subconciously intentional gesture of setting a barrier. Not a friendly omen. Small points of contact that seem accidental but are just too coincidental to not be on purpose are good. Touchiness as a general rule is a green light.
(At some later time, I will probably publish an in-depth post on male and female body language, but I don't have room here.)
This is because the guy was either A) completely obsessed with doing everything correctly, and paying SO much attention to his own words, actions, and body language trying to impress me that he had NO CLUE how I was doing, B) what we girls tend to call a "player", who prides himself on his ability to get exactly what he wants from a girl using flattery, manipulation, or well planned out truth, but is STILL only thinking about what HE wants from ME, but not me or C) is honestly really good at asking questions and listening to the answers, but spends so much time reacting, trying to interpret those answers or read into them that he misses what I'm actually saying
Now, with the A types, here's what usually happens:
He's a nice guy, really nothing wrong with him, and I had an okay time. But it was more like watching a performance than getting to know an actual person and he comes off as very insecure. Girls don't like insecurity when it comes to acting on feelings, it sends a very bad sign. I might go out on another date, but as a girl I'm not really intrigued, or hoping for anything else.
B types:
We know what you're doing, and it pisses us off. We realize you're playing us like a guitar, and sometimes allow it anyway for whatever reason, but bottom line, we don't like to be manipulated. So even if you do get what you want in the short run, we'll end up hating you in the long run.
C types:
Usually this type confuses us. Do you want to date me, or do you want to be my best friend? You're so busy picking up vibes that you aren't sending any out, and I'm beginning to wonder if you might be a little gay.
How to avoid being one of these types:
Everything in life requires balance. Dealing with a girl is a lot like dancing the Flamenco with plates in your hands and an egg on your head, but it's doable. The first thing you need to realize is that the date is NOT ABOUT YOU. It is about her. That's why you asked her out, because you already know all about you, and you want to know about her. So many guys forget this because they think she wants to know more about them, before she'll give them a chance. But you've neglected to notice that she's already on a date with you. That means you need to stop trying to impress her and get to know her.
So, you want to know whether or not she likes you? Two words: body language.
Q) When you picked her up, (which you should have) did she spare more than one glance at what you were wearing? Did she pause in shock if you were dressed more nicely than you normally are when she sees you? Did she comment at all on the way you looked or smelled?
A) One, two, or All of the Above: Bonus. She's physically aware of you. And either she likes what shes seen already, or she's willing to start thinking about it. Also, if she looks taken aback at all by your hot appearance, there's a chance she's rethinking her opinion of you for the better.
Q) Did she seem comfortable? Were her arms crossed in front of her body, or did she fold her hands together? Did she angle towards you in the car or across the table at dinner? Did she put her hands on top of the table, or under it? Did she ever "unintentionally" brush up against you when it was completely unnecessary?
A) Most of these are pretty easy to judge. Arms crossed or hands folded = bad. She feels uncomfortable, insecure, or threatened. You need to either back off, draw her out, or make her feel safer. Under the table is also not so good a sign, although she might also just be cold. Another sign that most guys would never think to look for: Did she keep her bag in her lap (at the movie theater, under the table, or in the car)? This is a sign of discomfort, mistrust, or an subconciously intentional gesture of setting a barrier. Not a friendly omen. Small points of contact that seem accidental but are just too coincidental to not be on purpose are good. Touchiness as a general rule is a green light.
(At some later time, I will probably publish an in-depth post on male and female body language, but I don't have room here.)
How to Speak Girl, section 1
Today, my friend Devon asked my advice about how to escape a girl dilemma. Again.
"So, how does a guy go about letting a girl know he's interested in a second date, aside from actually saying 'Let's go out again soon.'?" He wondered.
A valid question, although I had to squirm a little because his earnest gaze showed a complete lack of creativity in this department, which a girl never likes to see. "Well, first of all, did she act like she was having a good time, and do you think she likes you?" I returned.
He met my direct gaze with a WTF expression. "How could I possibly know that?"
I can't tell you how many times I've found myself unwillingly dishing out hints to a male friend about what to do next in the ongoing pursuit of a girl, and sometimes I can't help but feel that I am regurgitating the same information over and over and over. It's like third grade cafeteria food, they make the same mistakes over and over again, week by week, and yet the taste never gets better.
So now I'm going to blanket advise the entire subject of first dates. Because, honestly, men. You can read as many articles as you want, ask as many friends, and battle plan from here until doomsday. But there really isn't all that much you need to know.
Here is ONE tactic that will solve all of your first date insecurities, decrease your constant wondering about "what's going on with her", completely smother that doorstep scene awkwardness, and ultimately, will make sure that she will always remember you as a good date. No matter what else happens.
You need to learn how to READ GIRL.
Just like any other language, reading is the first step to learning how to speak and understand it. What she wants, what she's really saying, what she thinks of you... all of these questions are directly answerable in any given situation. IF you PAY ATTENTION.
"So, how does a guy go about letting a girl know he's interested in a second date, aside from actually saying 'Let's go out again soon.'?" He wondered.
A valid question, although I had to squirm a little because his earnest gaze showed a complete lack of creativity in this department, which a girl never likes to see. "Well, first of all, did she act like she was having a good time, and do you think she likes you?" I returned.
He met my direct gaze with a WTF expression. "How could I possibly know that?"
I can't tell you how many times I've found myself unwillingly dishing out hints to a male friend about what to do next in the ongoing pursuit of a girl, and sometimes I can't help but feel that I am regurgitating the same information over and over and over. It's like third grade cafeteria food, they make the same mistakes over and over again, week by week, and yet the taste never gets better.
So now I'm going to blanket advise the entire subject of first dates. Because, honestly, men. You can read as many articles as you want, ask as many friends, and battle plan from here until doomsday. But there really isn't all that much you need to know.
Here is ONE tactic that will solve all of your first date insecurities, decrease your constant wondering about "what's going on with her", completely smother that doorstep scene awkwardness, and ultimately, will make sure that she will always remember you as a good date. No matter what else happens.
You need to learn how to READ GIRL.
Just like any other language, reading is the first step to learning how to speak and understand it. What she wants, what she's really saying, what she thinks of you... all of these questions are directly answerable in any given situation. IF you PAY ATTENTION.
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