I don't know/I don't care

I'm really bored and I can't sleep, so I'm going to speak my mind on what I consider a dating blunder - the extremely unhelpful female utterance of the phrases: "I don't know" and "I don't care." The context which I'm referring to is when the guy asks the girl what she wants to do, where she wants to eat, or any other inquiry as to her opinion or preferences. These responses are particularly frustrating when first dating. Why? For one, the ultimate purpose of dating is getting to know the other person. If you never express any opinions, voice any objections, or state any preferences, how is the man supposed to discover your personality? You might think you're doing the guy a favor by going along with everything and being a "good" date, but in reality you're likely giving him impression that you're not into him and not very thrilled to be on the date. Think about it: When he asks for your input, what is he supposed to think if you tell him you don't care? It can make it seem like the date isn't important to you. If that's the case, by all means communicate it; but otherwise just be yourself. Don't feel like you're imposing if he asks for your input. That's how you get to know each other and find common interests. Obviously there's a problem if he wants you direct everything, but sometimes guys just want to let you take the wheel and see where you steer it. As with everything, there's probably exceptions. Use discretion and don't abuse it, but don't shy away from opportunities to let your date know what you like (or don't like) and find out who you are.

Defining a Relationship

Society has its norms, standards, rules, and labels it places on relationships, all of which are associated with certain connotations and overtones. But I don’t want any of these things to define my relationship with a girl. I want to be the one who determines where it goes and how it is defined; not other people! True, it is very difficult to resist the encroachments of social presuppositions and cultural expectations because the quirks and idiosyncrasies of our culture are imbedded in our worldview, but I refuse to be governed by trends and popular notions regarding love and relationships. I don’t care what happens in chick flicks or love stories; I will reject all buzzwords, clichés, and stereotypes. The girl and I alone are the authors and classifiers of our friendship together. But now I have to ask myself, why do I feel this way? Am I afraid of the commitment that comes with these things? Is that what this is about? Is that the “implied” notion that I am really trying to avoid – commitment? Perhaps the whole reason I formed this ideology is to escape this factor that surrounds the social implications of a relationship. Or maybe it’s some other factor. Or do I genuinely want a unique friendship with a girl, free of outside interference? I don’t know.

FI3: Friends Impossible 3

During my senior project I quickly learned that I had to learn the names, likes, and children of the women my team members were married to. This wasn't to establish good report with the team members; no, this was to establish good report with the wives. "Yes, yes, I see you're happily married. You're quite possessive of your husband. You love your family. I respect you, yadda yadda yadda." I had to earn an amount of trust that I wasn't going to be stealing their husbands. After all, I was going to be seeing their husbands on work days nearly almost more often then they did. Once I gained a little of that trust, there really were no problems whatsoever.

What drive me nuts though is the reverse. A situation where I'm not trying to work with a married man, but when I was friends with a formerly single guy. Why is it that so many fiancee's expect their fiance to forgo all former friendships with people of the feminie variety? It's simply quite annoying. Trust me, lady, if I really was going to poach your husband I would have done that before the exchange of rings. Really. He's not more attractive now simply because he's forbidden, rather, he's almost a better friend simply because there's no threat of "well, maybe in the future."

What is it about our culture that forbids friendship between men and women when one or both individuals are married?

Another Just Friends Impossible

T recently posted about her experience with the "Just Be Friends" line. I will vouch that she has gone through two months of roller-coaster with her former long-time, serious boyfriend. I've never experienced something on that scale, yet I think my own, smaller scale can lend a little insight.

It is common among girls to prize their friendships very highly. Though what each girl seeks is very different. Some are about always having an active crowd available. Some keep a very tight circle. Some like to have similar people about. Some like to keep a diverse bunch about. Regardless of style, each person whom a girl references to as "friend" in the recesses of her mind is a very important person.

While dating a friendship begins to form. This friendship becomes very important. Yet, why exactly are we so quick to resort to the "just friends" in the dissolution of the boyfriend/girlfriend unit?

There isn't a single, comprehensive answer. Perhaps the girl wants to cling to her treasured friendship. Perhaps the guy does. Perhaps its an attempt by one party or the other too apply a balm to the sting of a break-up.

Even in shorter-term dating this line doesn't work. Yes, I have gone out with a guy for just a few, very casual dates before, and, yes, we remained "just friends." Those dates were literally with the intent to test the waters. When dating has turned slightly more serious - though certainly not on the scale of years or talks of marriage - the "just friends" line never seems to work no matter how dearly we wish it to.

Exhibit ChuckA. I was head-over-heels for ChuckA and - perhaps - if I'd grown out of my teenage views of life things might have worked out. Alas, there was just a little too much teenage self-inflicted drama to keep things afloat. ChuckA's expectations seemed to be that we'd eventually get to the marriage talks. (I must note that this is a gut-feeling and not a confirmed fact.) On the other hand, I was getting several, very large, very obvious, divine, red flags screaming, "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO." I decided to stick err on the side of the red flags, and tried to remain "just friends." It couldn't work. One party was too interested for it to work. For the record, we went out for 7-9 months depending on how you count. He and I are just friends now - but it took five years.

Exhibit ChuckB. I really, really, really liked ChuckB. The potential to be even more interested in ChuckB was there. We dated for about three months, yet he just wasn't that into me. We were friends, swapped DVDs, and found a lot to chat about, yet with me interested in him? There was no room for friendship.

Exhibit ChuckC. I was very interested in ChuckC, we were pretty good friends, and I still think we could've made a great couple. The trick? Well either I shot him down for a date at some point without realizing it whatsoever, or he just never had the guts to ask me out. I'm not certain which was the case, and based on his comments I sometimes had to wonder if it was the first. I'd known him for about two years when the girl who had been ferociously chasing him for a year finally won and married him. I still like to know what he's been up to. When I see him though? His wife glares like a hawk. So long as his wife forbids it, nope, no friendship.

Even just these three, simply, fairly-uncomplicated scenarios it always makes dating a friend rather anxious. Often, one must wonder if it is worth sacrificing a friendship on the alter of dating really worth it. After all, as much as we truly wish that the friendship can remain, history seems to point towards utter failure. Someday, though, someday we can't help but hope that a particular dating relationship might happily end - if not in marriage - friendship.

I'll let you know if I find the magic formula.

"Lets Be Friends"

As I read the last post and realized...oh that is exactly me on the feelings of being of no worth and thinking that the new girl is a wannabereplacementthatshe'llneveramountto type of girl. I have a bit of advice for all of those others that feel the same....

Once you break up it's over! The "Lets be friends" line is a joke. It is absolutely 200% necessary to not see him, talk to him, or any other communication with him for a good while before the "lets be friends" thing can kick in.

Now, I am not saying if it was just a casual dating relationship that the friends status couldn't be reached almost immediately but lets say you were dating for over a year and making commitments to each other and talking about getting married...the friends thing just doesn't work. Especially since guys seem to be able to move on with out a problem because it seems they can sever all emotional ties from you within a week or so...

Take it from a girl who has wasted the last 2 months or more of her life being pissed off at this whole "lets be friends" drama...it's not worth it.

But who knows...maybe in some future time the friends status can be reached. But that time is definitely not right now, fresh off the break-up, trust me.