Sunday, December 23, 2007
I don't know/I don't care
I'm really bored and I can't sleep, so I'm going to speak my mind on what I consider a dating blunder - the extremely unhelpful female utterance of the phrases: "I don't know" and "I don't care." The context which I'm referring to is when the guy asks the girl what she wants to do, where she wants to eat, or any other inquiry as to her opinion or preferences. These responses are particularly frustrating when first dating. Why? For one, the ultimate purpose of dating is getting to know the other person. If you never express any opinions, voice any objections, or state any preferences, how is the man supposed to discover your personality? You might think you're doing the guy a favor by going along with everything and being a "good" date, but in reality you're likely giving him impression that you're not into him and not very thrilled to be on the date. Think about it: When he asks for your input, what is he supposed to think if you tell him you don't care? It can make it seem like the date isn't important to you. If that's the case, by all means communicate it; but otherwise just be yourself. Don't feel like you're imposing if he asks for your input. That's how you get to know each other and find common interests. Obviously there's a problem if he wants you direct everything, but sometimes guys just want to let you take the wheel and see where you steer it. As with everything, there's probably exceptions. Use discretion and don't abuse it, but don't shy away from opportunities to let your date know what you like (or don't like) and find out who you are.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Defining a Relationship
Society has its norms, standards, rules, and labels it places on relationships, all of which are associated with certain connotations and overtones. But I don’t want any of these things to define my relationship with a girl. I want to be the one who determines where it goes and how it is defined; not other people! True, it is very difficult to resist the encroachments of social presuppositions and cultural expectations because the quirks and idiosyncrasies of our culture are imbedded in our worldview, but I refuse to be governed by trends and popular notions regarding love and relationships. I don’t care what happens in chick flicks or love stories; I will reject all buzzwords, clichés, and stereotypes. The girl and I alone are the authors and classifiers of our friendship together. But now I have to ask myself, why do I feel this way? Am I afraid of the commitment that comes with these things? Is that what this is about? Is that the “implied” notion that I am really trying to avoid – commitment? Perhaps the whole reason I formed this ideology is to escape this factor that surrounds the social implications of a relationship. Or maybe it’s some other factor. Or do I genuinely want a unique friendship with a girl, free of outside interference? I don’t know.
Monday, December 3, 2007
FI3: Friends Impossible 3
During my senior project I quickly learned that I had to learn the names, likes, and children of the women my team members were married to. This wasn't to establish good report with the team members; no, this was to establish good report with the wives. "Yes, yes, I see you're happily married. You're quite possessive of your husband. You love your family. I respect you, yadda yadda yadda." I had to earn an amount of trust that I wasn't going to be stealing their husbands. After all, I was going to be seeing their husbands on work days nearly almost more often then they did. Once I gained a little of that trust, there really were no problems whatsoever.
What drive me nuts though is the reverse. A situation where I'm not trying to work with a married man, but when I was friends with a formerly single guy. Why is it that so many fiancee's expect their fiance to forgo all former friendships with people of the feminie variety? It's simply quite annoying. Trust me, lady, if I really was going to poach your husband I would have done that before the exchange of rings. Really. He's not more attractive now simply because he's forbidden, rather, he's almost a better friend simply because there's no threat of "well, maybe in the future."
What is it about our culture that forbids friendship between men and women when one or both individuals are married?
What drive me nuts though is the reverse. A situation where I'm not trying to work with a married man, but when I was friends with a formerly single guy. Why is it that so many fiancee's expect their fiance to forgo all former friendships with people of the feminie variety? It's simply quite annoying. Trust me, lady, if I really was going to poach your husband I would have done that before the exchange of rings. Really. He's not more attractive now simply because he's forbidden, rather, he's almost a better friend simply because there's no threat of "well, maybe in the future."
What is it about our culture that forbids friendship between men and women when one or both individuals are married?
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Another Just Friends Impossible
T recently posted about her experience with the "Just Be Friends" line. I will vouch that she has gone through two months of roller-coaster with her former long-time, serious boyfriend. I've never experienced something on that scale, yet I think my own, smaller scale can lend a little insight.
It is common among girls to prize their friendships very highly. Though what each girl seeks is very different. Some are about always having an active crowd available. Some keep a very tight circle. Some like to have similar people about. Some like to keep a diverse bunch about. Regardless of style, each person whom a girl references to as "friend" in the recesses of her mind is a very important person.
While dating a friendship begins to form. This friendship becomes very important. Yet, why exactly are we so quick to resort to the "just friends" in the dissolution of the boyfriend/girlfriend unit?
There isn't a single, comprehensive answer. Perhaps the girl wants to cling to her treasured friendship. Perhaps the guy does. Perhaps its an attempt by one party or the other too apply a balm to the sting of a break-up.
Even in shorter-term dating this line doesn't work. Yes, I have gone out with a guy for just a few, very casual dates before, and, yes, we remained "just friends." Those dates were literally with the intent to test the waters. When dating has turned slightly more serious - though certainly not on the scale of years or talks of marriage - the "just friends" line never seems to work no matter how dearly we wish it to.
Exhibit ChuckA. I was head-over-heels for ChuckA and - perhaps - if I'd grown out of my teenage views of life things might have worked out. Alas, there was just a little too much teenage self-inflicted drama to keep things afloat. ChuckA's expectations seemed to be that we'd eventually get to the marriage talks. (I must note that this is a gut-feeling and not a confirmed fact.) On the other hand, I was getting several, very large, very obvious, divine, red flags screaming, "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO." I decided to stick err on the side of the red flags, and tried to remain "just friends." It couldn't work. One party was too interested for it to work. For the record, we went out for 7-9 months depending on how you count. He and I are just friends now - but it took five years.
Exhibit ChuckB. I really, really, really liked ChuckB. The potential to be even more interested in ChuckB was there. We dated for about three months, yet he just wasn't that into me. We were friends, swapped DVDs, and found a lot to chat about, yet with me interested in him? There was no room for friendship.
Exhibit ChuckC. I was very interested in ChuckC, we were pretty good friends, and I still think we could've made a great couple. The trick? Well either I shot him down for a date at some point without realizing it whatsoever, or he just never had the guts to ask me out. I'm not certain which was the case, and based on his comments I sometimes had to wonder if it was the first. I'd known him for about two years when the girl who had been ferociously chasing him for a year finally won and married him. I still like to know what he's been up to. When I see him though? His wife glares like a hawk. So long as his wife forbids it, nope, no friendship.
Even just these three, simply, fairly-uncomplicated scenarios it always makes dating a friend rather anxious. Often, one must wonder if it is worth sacrificing a friendship on the alter of dating really worth it. After all, as much as we truly wish that the friendship can remain, history seems to point towards utter failure. Someday, though, someday we can't help but hope that a particular dating relationship might happily end - if not in marriage - friendship.
I'll let you know if I find the magic formula.
It is common among girls to prize their friendships very highly. Though what each girl seeks is very different. Some are about always having an active crowd available. Some keep a very tight circle. Some like to have similar people about. Some like to keep a diverse bunch about. Regardless of style, each person whom a girl references to as "friend" in the recesses of her mind is a very important person.
While dating a friendship begins to form. This friendship becomes very important. Yet, why exactly are we so quick to resort to the "just friends" in the dissolution of the boyfriend/girlfriend unit?
There isn't a single, comprehensive answer. Perhaps the girl wants to cling to her treasured friendship. Perhaps the guy does. Perhaps its an attempt by one party or the other too apply a balm to the sting of a break-up.
Even in shorter-term dating this line doesn't work. Yes, I have gone out with a guy for just a few, very casual dates before, and, yes, we remained "just friends." Those dates were literally with the intent to test the waters. When dating has turned slightly more serious - though certainly not on the scale of years or talks of marriage - the "just friends" line never seems to work no matter how dearly we wish it to.
Exhibit ChuckA. I was head-over-heels for ChuckA and - perhaps - if I'd grown out of my teenage views of life things might have worked out. Alas, there was just a little too much teenage self-inflicted drama to keep things afloat. ChuckA's expectations seemed to be that we'd eventually get to the marriage talks. (I must note that this is a gut-feeling and not a confirmed fact.) On the other hand, I was getting several, very large, very obvious, divine, red flags screaming, "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO." I decided to stick err on the side of the red flags, and tried to remain "just friends." It couldn't work. One party was too interested for it to work. For the record, we went out for 7-9 months depending on how you count. He and I are just friends now - but it took five years.
Exhibit ChuckB. I really, really, really liked ChuckB. The potential to be even more interested in ChuckB was there. We dated for about three months, yet he just wasn't that into me. We were friends, swapped DVDs, and found a lot to chat about, yet with me interested in him? There was no room for friendship.
Exhibit ChuckC. I was very interested in ChuckC, we were pretty good friends, and I still think we could've made a great couple. The trick? Well either I shot him down for a date at some point without realizing it whatsoever, or he just never had the guts to ask me out. I'm not certain which was the case, and based on his comments I sometimes had to wonder if it was the first. I'd known him for about two years when the girl who had been ferociously chasing him for a year finally won and married him. I still like to know what he's been up to. When I see him though? His wife glares like a hawk. So long as his wife forbids it, nope, no friendship.
Even just these three, simply, fairly-uncomplicated scenarios it always makes dating a friend rather anxious. Often, one must wonder if it is worth sacrificing a friendship on the alter of dating really worth it. After all, as much as we truly wish that the friendship can remain, history seems to point towards utter failure. Someday, though, someday we can't help but hope that a particular dating relationship might happily end - if not in marriage - friendship.
I'll let you know if I find the magic formula.
"Lets Be Friends"
As I read the last post and realized...oh that is exactly me on the feelings of being of no worth and thinking that the new girl is a wannabereplacementthatshe'llneveramountto type of girl. I have a bit of advice for all of those others that feel the same....
Once you break up it's over! The "Lets be friends" line is a joke. It is absolutely 200% necessary to not see him, talk to him, or any other communication with him for a good while before the "lets be friends" thing can kick in.
Now, I am not saying if it was just a casual dating relationship that the friends status couldn't be reached almost immediately but lets say you were dating for over a year and making commitments to each other and talking about getting married...the friends thing just doesn't work. Especially since guys seem to be able to move on with out a problem because it seems they can sever all emotional ties from you within a week or so...
Take it from a girl who has wasted the last 2 months or more of her life being pissed off at this whole "lets be friends" drama...it's not worth it.
But who knows...maybe in some future time the friends status can be reached. But that time is definitely not right now, fresh off the break-up, trust me.
Once you break up it's over! The "Lets be friends" line is a joke. It is absolutely 200% necessary to not see him, talk to him, or any other communication with him for a good while before the "lets be friends" thing can kick in.
Now, I am not saying if it was just a casual dating relationship that the friends status couldn't be reached almost immediately but lets say you were dating for over a year and making commitments to each other and talking about getting married...the friends thing just doesn't work. Especially since guys seem to be able to move on with out a problem because it seems they can sever all emotional ties from you within a week or so...
Take it from a girl who has wasted the last 2 months or more of her life being pissed off at this whole "lets be friends" drama...it's not worth it.
But who knows...maybe in some future time the friends status can be reached. But that time is definitely not right now, fresh off the break-up, trust me.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
On Post-Breakup Protocol
Dear Readers, this is a resurrected blog post that I am stealing from one of my dearest friends. She wrote this shortly after an extensively sucky (because all breakups suck, but this one really sucked, I know because I was there) breakup. I call upon it now because I know that many of us have felt this way at some point or another, if not in the same words (which in this case are hilarious, masterful in description of the subject matter, honest and ingenious. This is why I must plagarize, because they are impossible to duplicate).
Keep in mind as you read that this actually happened years ago, and she is now happily married to someone else who even now strives to deserve her awesomeness:
October 12th
I've decided to stop being so lame. I went to the movies last night with some old friends and who in the hell do you think I would run into? Yes some old flame. Now I could have handled myself under most circumstances, but Veronica had convinced me that we needed to dress abit trashy to celebrate our rebellious and freedom from the manfolk. Whatever. I wasn't dressed that trashed to all those who are pointing fingers at me. Please remove the mote from your own eyes.
Anyways. The last thing I wanted to do was make the, soon to be regretful, ex feel justified for us being 'seperated' by proving that I had low standards and was really nothing more than a high class hoochie. I must go down always with awe and respect ya know, and this would surely not be the case.
Fine, I evaded my entrance to make sure he was long gone. make it all the way to the theatre door, and ef*&(^*^%$$##%... he leaves from the theatre next to it.... with, what everyone agreed on, appeared to be a date. Damn men to hell. I'm glad he thinks he can move on. Oh ps... I had hiked my skirt down so it looked quite modest. ... HAAAA.
I was despite my best efforts shocked, and slightly broken, but I managed to smile and wave and I am pretty sure the slut/whore/wannabemyreplacementbutshe'llneveramount was hideous and smelled of poo.How is it that boys that date me always manage to find girls so quickly after me, that are soooo far better than me....
Is it so wrong that this course of behavior leads one to question her own worth and look closer to make sure that her eyes are even on her face etc. I know I am not that frickin awesome, but I know that I am working on it continually and plan to never stop trying to become awesome.
So what that I'm not there yet... I'm planning on getting there and I'm planning on there being a handful of jackoffs that doubted my potential, that WILL be blown away, and regretful, that they didn't try harder to keep me around. WAHAHAHAHA. Have people no faith? Whatever... I love life, I love my friends, and I feel soo ready to move on with that.
Song of the Day to you lovers of lyrics: Dolly Parton- Go to Hell
Original post: http://falunka.blogspot.com/
Anyway, all I'm trying to say is that everyone is eventually going to break up with someone who they thought was special... and in the end everything works out. But for now, you're going to feel like crap. So, just try to salvage a little bit of dignity by treating yourself with love and respect (and choosing to not give a damn what other people think helps a bit, too) and throw a little perspective on the situation.
It WILL get better. You WILL find someone who will love you even more. And he probably didn't even notice what you were wearing, anyway.
Keep in mind as you read that this actually happened years ago, and she is now happily married to someone else who even now strives to deserve her awesomeness:
October 12th
I've decided to stop being so lame. I went to the movies last night with some old friends and who in the hell do you think I would run into? Yes some old flame. Now I could have handled myself under most circumstances, but Veronica had convinced me that we needed to dress abit trashy to celebrate our rebellious and freedom from the manfolk. Whatever. I wasn't dressed that trashed to all those who are pointing fingers at me. Please remove the mote from your own eyes.
Anyways. The last thing I wanted to do was make the, soon to be regretful, ex feel justified for us being 'seperated' by proving that I had low standards and was really nothing more than a high class hoochie. I must go down always with awe and respect ya know, and this would surely not be the case.
Fine, I evaded my entrance to make sure he was long gone. make it all the way to the theatre door, and ef*&(^*^%$$##%... he leaves from the theatre next to it.... with, what everyone agreed on, appeared to be a date. Damn men to hell. I'm glad he thinks he can move on. Oh ps... I had hiked my skirt down so it looked quite modest. ... HAAAA.
I was despite my best efforts shocked, and slightly broken, but I managed to smile and wave and I am pretty sure the slut/whore/wannabemyreplacementbutshe'llneveramount was hideous and smelled of poo.How is it that boys that date me always manage to find girls so quickly after me, that are soooo far better than me....
Is it so wrong that this course of behavior leads one to question her own worth and look closer to make sure that her eyes are even on her face etc. I know I am not that frickin awesome, but I know that I am working on it continually and plan to never stop trying to become awesome.
So what that I'm not there yet... I'm planning on getting there and I'm planning on there being a handful of jackoffs that doubted my potential, that WILL be blown away, and regretful, that they didn't try harder to keep me around. WAHAHAHAHA. Have people no faith? Whatever... I love life, I love my friends, and I feel soo ready to move on with that.
Song of the Day to you lovers of lyrics: Dolly Parton- Go to Hell
Original post: http://falunka.blogspot.com/
Anyway, all I'm trying to say is that everyone is eventually going to break up with someone who they thought was special... and in the end everything works out. But for now, you're going to feel like crap. So, just try to salvage a little bit of dignity by treating yourself with love and respect (and choosing to not give a damn what other people think helps a bit, too) and throw a little perspective on the situation.
It WILL get better. You WILL find someone who will love you even more. And he probably didn't even notice what you were wearing, anyway.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Why KFC Is Never a Good Date Option
Sometimes I find myself with a weird-scenario subtask burbling in the back of my brain. Perhaps it's because I'm an engineer - I'm always crunching various problems of priorities in the back of my mind. Perhaps it's because I'm a girl - we day dream quite a bit. Perhaps it's because I'm me - and anything that isn't semi-rehearsed often ends with my foot firmly planted in my mouth. Regardless, today I realized that Kentucky Fried Chicken is not a good date option. There is no way you can order a meal aside from "I'll take a number 3, thanks," without sounding just awful.
It's just best to give up before you start and order pizza.
- Would you like thighs, legs, or breasts? Yeah. Like there isn't innuendo in that one.
- Light meat or dark meat? Politically incorrect.
- Do you want a side-dish? Sounds like you might be voicing insecurities about somebody on the side.
- Cole Slaw? Dirty by definition.
- Not to mention anyone who considers a venue featuring the word "Fried" is really slumming it.
It's just best to give up before you start and order pizza.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
So This is... Love?
I recently read an article in a psych journal about Love vs. Infatuation. Now, initially I didn't think it would have anything to teach me because, duh, we all know what love is. ...Don't we?
Here is how the author of the article defined "love":
Love is a dynamic process. For me, that means that there is a relationship that flexes, changes and grows as people mature; experiences happen to them, priorities and dreams are built and goals are met. Love brings out the best in people as individuals.
The relationship between them becomes the way they define their lives.
As jobs, careers, and family concerns change, people are able to work as a team--to be understanding and flexible--so the relationship (and their lives) will flourish. Dynamic process of love equals a sharing of emotion, trust, and growth of relationship. Growth is increasing ability of a couple to live symbiotically, enjoy each others company, trust each other with more secrets, depend on each other in more crises over the years, in raising children and taking care of aging relatives. It's about growing old together, and long-term investments like real estate and children.
Here is how others define "love":
(Love from a nerd perspective)
The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. - Carl Jung
(Love from a German perspective)
Love sees Roses without Thorns - German Proverb, into English
(Love from a Japanese perspective)
He who treads the path of love walks a thousand meters as if it were only one. - Japanese Proverb
Here is how the Scriptures define "love":
"Love" = Charity
Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.
And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, Mt. 17.20 ; 21.21 · Mk. 11.23 and have not charity, I am nothing.
And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.
¶ Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
¶ Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.
For we know in part, and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away. When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see through a glass, darkly, but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.
So, let's see. So far, there seems to be agreement on several items, and yet, for the most part everyone's idea of love is different, or at least they choose to rank a different trait of love higher than the others. Some concentrate on how it makes you feel, and that's how you know. Some say that you should look at the way a person behaves, and then you'll know. Countless articles and advice columns tell you to look for signs, hints, and subtle indications to know whether you're in love, or whether another person loves you. If it doesn't last, they end up calling it infatuation, because it passes and therefore was obviously not love. Well, thank you for that thrilling hindsight analysis. I'll call you the next time my car stops running, and you can tell me that it's broken.
From my experience it varies in difficulty, depending on the situation, telling whether love is real. The pragmatists will tell you that if things work out, it was. And if they don't, it wasn't. The spiritualists will tell you to ask God. And that's probably the best choice, only wait... there's this little thing called free agency that can totally muck up that answer. Regardless of whether or not you're "meant to be", someone still has to make a decision and go with it. And that's where it lies. The simplest way to tell whether or not you are in love, or not.
Love is a choice, you see. It's a verb. You either choose to love, or you don't. It is NOT an unavoidable pit into which we spontaneously fall, regardless of anything we can do to stop it, nor is it a state we can fall "into" and "out of", like a bizarre Buster Keaton act in a film noir. If you find yourself hopelessly in love with someone, it's because at some point you decided you would. And then you let yourself keep doing it, until it became a habit. And then, eventually, you do it so much that it becomes a part of who you are as a person. Love is about changing yourself through different choices, because the choice to love means that we have a new occupation. You're no longer a Doctor, or a Lawyer, or a Garbage Man who just happens to be in love, but a person who loves (or a "lover", if we must) who happens to practice medicine, argue before a judge, or drive a dump truck.
To clarify love down to it's simplest form: Love is rearranging your priorities, to put someone else at the top. It is figuring out what "love" means to another person, (whether it comes in the form of words, actions, flowers, food, time, or committment) and DOing that for them. Because love is an undefined verb with a thousand different and unique meanings, depending entirely on who you are.
Here is how the author of the article defined "love":
Love is a dynamic process. For me, that means that there is a relationship that flexes, changes and grows as people mature; experiences happen to them, priorities and dreams are built and goals are met. Love brings out the best in people as individuals.
The relationship between them becomes the way they define their lives.
As jobs, careers, and family concerns change, people are able to work as a team--to be understanding and flexible--so the relationship (and their lives) will flourish. Dynamic process of love equals a sharing of emotion, trust, and growth of relationship. Growth is increasing ability of a couple to live symbiotically, enjoy each others company, trust each other with more secrets, depend on each other in more crises over the years, in raising children and taking care of aging relatives. It's about growing old together, and long-term investments like real estate and children.
Here is how others define "love":
(Love from a nerd perspective)
The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. - Carl Jung
(Love from a German perspective)
Love sees Roses without Thorns - German Proverb, into English
(Love from a Japanese perspective)
He who treads the path of love walks a thousand meters as if it were only one. - Japanese Proverb
Here is how the Scriptures define "love":
"Love" = Charity
Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.
And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, Mt. 17.20 ; 21.21 · Mk. 11.23 and have not charity, I am nothing.
And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.
¶ Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
¶ Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.
For we know in part, and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away. When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see through a glass, darkly, but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.
So, let's see. So far, there seems to be agreement on several items, and yet, for the most part everyone's idea of love is different, or at least they choose to rank a different trait of love higher than the others. Some concentrate on how it makes you feel, and that's how you know. Some say that you should look at the way a person behaves, and then you'll know. Countless articles and advice columns tell you to look for signs, hints, and subtle indications to know whether you're in love, or whether another person loves you. If it doesn't last, they end up calling it infatuation, because it passes and therefore was obviously not love. Well, thank you for that thrilling hindsight analysis. I'll call you the next time my car stops running, and you can tell me that it's broken.
From my experience it varies in difficulty, depending on the situation, telling whether love is real. The pragmatists will tell you that if things work out, it was. And if they don't, it wasn't. The spiritualists will tell you to ask God. And that's probably the best choice, only wait... there's this little thing called free agency that can totally muck up that answer. Regardless of whether or not you're "meant to be", someone still has to make a decision and go with it. And that's where it lies. The simplest way to tell whether or not you are in love, or not.
Love is a choice, you see. It's a verb. You either choose to love, or you don't. It is NOT an unavoidable pit into which we spontaneously fall, regardless of anything we can do to stop it, nor is it a state we can fall "into" and "out of", like a bizarre Buster Keaton act in a film noir. If you find yourself hopelessly in love with someone, it's because at some point you decided you would. And then you let yourself keep doing it, until it became a habit. And then, eventually, you do it so much that it becomes a part of who you are as a person. Love is about changing yourself through different choices, because the choice to love means that we have a new occupation. You're no longer a Doctor, or a Lawyer, or a Garbage Man who just happens to be in love, but a person who loves (or a "lover", if we must) who happens to practice medicine, argue before a judge, or drive a dump truck.
To clarify love down to it's simplest form: Love is rearranging your priorities, to put someone else at the top. It is figuring out what "love" means to another person, (whether it comes in the form of words, actions, flowers, food, time, or committment) and DOing that for them. Because love is an undefined verb with a thousand different and unique meanings, depending entirely on who you are.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Who's Gonna Claim THIS Baggage?
Everyone has baggage when it comes to relationships. Some of it is emotional (like because of a bad breakup, they can't seem to trust people not to hurt them eventually, or they never show someone their weaknesses until years into a relationship). Others, maybe children of a divorce, might have trouble believing in lasting and committed relationships. Whatever emotional problems are brought into each new relationship, we usually encounter them at some point, and they're a surprise.
But what about physical baggage? This is a type of relationship baggage that is rarely discussed, or at least mutually glossed over, and which I feel bears looking at because it might very well have a greater impact on your current relationship than you may realize.
Let me explain what I mean by "physical baggage" (lest we come across some completely wrong assumptions in the course of this post). These are usually toted around in the form of a person, or a social connection with a person that cannot be easily lost. (Unlike airport baggage, which I firmly believe should be tagged with RFW homing devices to track migratory patterns, so that we can prove that luggage limbo truly exists.) Again, I digress.
Physical Relationship Baggage (PRB) can come in the form of a sibling who is faaaar too involved in their bro or sis's emotional decision making processes. It can be lugged along as an ex-girlfriend/boyfriend who is now "just a friend" but you know that it's only a matter of time before she/he tries to reclaim former territory. PRB that you especially have to watch out for is the blood kind. This kind, you can never truly get rid of. A mother-in-law who is Evil Incarnate, perhaps. Or maybe an illegitimate child from a past relationship. A really creepy or drunken uncle.
As I said before, everyone has baggage. Even if you don't personally have any to carry, odds are that someday you'll come across someone totally wonderful who has some of their own. And you're going to have to ask yourself, How will I deal with ________? Or, Can I deal with ________?
One thing I can definitely tell you is that ignoring ANY type of baggage at the onset of a serious relationship can be fatal. (To the relationship, hopefully not to you.) The best advise is to talk about it the moment it becomes a forseeable issue. Together, you can decide whether to keep lugging it around alone, or if you can handle it together. Or, if it's too much baggage, you can choose to lighten your emotional load and fly the friendly skies with someone else. Just whatever you do, don't check it at the door of a new relationship. Because PRB, unlike regular baggage, ALWAYS comes back to its owner at some point.
But what about physical baggage? This is a type of relationship baggage that is rarely discussed, or at least mutually glossed over, and which I feel bears looking at because it might very well have a greater impact on your current relationship than you may realize.
Let me explain what I mean by "physical baggage" (lest we come across some completely wrong assumptions in the course of this post). These are usually toted around in the form of a person, or a social connection with a person that cannot be easily lost. (Unlike airport baggage, which I firmly believe should be tagged with RFW homing devices to track migratory patterns, so that we can prove that luggage limbo truly exists.) Again, I digress.
Physical Relationship Baggage (PRB) can come in the form of a sibling who is faaaar too involved in their bro or sis's emotional decision making processes. It can be lugged along as an ex-girlfriend/boyfriend who is now "just a friend" but you know that it's only a matter of time before she/he tries to reclaim former territory. PRB that you especially have to watch out for is the blood kind. This kind, you can never truly get rid of. A mother-in-law who is Evil Incarnate, perhaps. Or maybe an illegitimate child from a past relationship. A really creepy or drunken uncle.
As I said before, everyone has baggage. Even if you don't personally have any to carry, odds are that someday you'll come across someone totally wonderful who has some of their own. And you're going to have to ask yourself, How will I deal with ________? Or, Can I deal with ________?
One thing I can definitely tell you is that ignoring ANY type of baggage at the onset of a serious relationship can be fatal. (To the relationship, hopefully not to you.) The best advise is to talk about it the moment it becomes a forseeable issue. Together, you can decide whether to keep lugging it around alone, or if you can handle it together. Or, if it's too much baggage, you can choose to lighten your emotional load and fly the friendly skies with someone else. Just whatever you do, don't check it at the door of a new relationship. Because PRB, unlike regular baggage, ALWAYS comes back to its owner at some point.
Monday, October 8, 2007
Relationship Trauma in Social Networking
A young woman nervously pauses over her Facebook relationship status.* Is her fledgling relationship a relationship? She feels it is. She wants it to be. She wants the world to know. Look at me! I'm in a relationship! She resolves that she shall share her relationship with the world wide web. Yes, Facebook, please ask him to confirm this relationship. A week later she's seen him on Facebook several times, yet he has still not verified their relationship. Does he not like me? Was I too forward? Is he seeing another girl? Doubts plague her mind.
Facebook is murder on the psyche of a woman.
* No, Mom, this is not autobiographical.
Facebook is murder on the psyche of a woman.
* No, Mom, this is not autobiographical.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
What "I Don't Know" Usually Means:
Okay, let's give a shout out to the universal DRT conversation. "Define the Relationship", those times we either dread having, dread inititating, or dread...avoiding. We've all had them. And, like it or not, they are at least partially responsible for the advancement of most relationships.
But how to know if what you're having is indeed a DTR, and not just another random fight about something that happened, or an excuse to ETR? (End the Relationship) Usually, these types of phrases are included in the prototype DTR, and don't merely occur in other everyday conversational types.
"Where do you see us going?"
"What are we?" (This is NOT referring to whether we are people, vegetables, or minutae...)
"I don't want to date other people"
"I was thinking we could be more"
(Or, very sneakily,)
"What do you call me when you talk about me to your friends?"
Something like that. Sometimes girls are the one to broach the subject, but in my experience it's mostly been the guys that have done so. With motivations ranging from insecurity because of a possible rival, or some innate male need to stake a claim on perceived territory, to simple curiousity about what the other person feels... there are many reasons to instigate a DTR. But that's not what this particular post is about. This post is about once again deciphering what is going on in the female noggin, when one thing is coming out of our mouths... and 9/10 times, something completely different is going on upstairs.
This particular brain-to-mouth phenomenon that I wish to take note of is the oversimplification designed to elicit a specific response: "I don't know". Unlike the intention that normally precludes this phrase, to explain a lack of knowledge or otherwise indicate ignorance of fact pertaining to the matter at hand, this phrase, when spoken by a girl in response to a DTR-like question, does NOT (contrary to popular belief) mean she is ignorant. Instead, an "I don't know" springing from the "How do you feel about us?" query means a solid one or two things:
One. She is waiting for you to declare your intentions FIRST, before she gives up any of what she's thinking. After all, how does she know why you were asking that question? Particularly if you just slipped it in between a "how was your day?" and "would you prefer a breast or a thigh?" question set. Anyway, as I was saying, in this situation, you need to ask yourself whether you've made it clear (at least in general, for those of you who are faint of heart; i.e. pansies) which direction you're heading. What is it you want her to say? Because honestly, we all know that if you're stupid enough to ask this question, you've got to be a) totally prepared for whatever response she's going to give, b) hoping to move the relationship into a higher plane, or ready to move on, but have definitely been giving subtle signals in said direction --Or, HELLO, you might end up with an "I love you" when you were wanting more of a "Let's see other people" chat, my friend-- and finally, you must also be c) NOT just trying to punk out on making a decision because you want her to do it for you. (If you have done this before, or are planning on doing this again, I swear on behalf of every girl anywhere that I will hunt you to the ends of the earth, and I will make it hurt when I find you. Ahem.)
Two. She does know, but she wants you to say it first. This is a variation of Reason One, except there are some slight differences. She's probably at least 50% sure that this is one of those "good" talks, but just in case she's not going to let you off the hook. Plus, it's good for you to sweat once in a while. Therefore, when you ask, she will say "I don't know", possibly with a coy look and a "go ahead and convince me" type of smile. This is your cue to NOT be a moron, and to tell her exactly what you have in mind as far as the future of the relationship goes.
Three. She knows, but she was really, REALLY hoping you wouldn't ask. The answer is not good, and you've been totally oblivious up until this point. Usually this type of response will be precluded by some pretty obvious avoidance, and occasionally a few "missed calls". If you've noticed this kind of behavior and you ask anyway, well you've got huevos my friend. Only once in my life have I seen this all-out approach work, but it's worth trying if you're crazy about the girl. Basically, you ignore the signals, get her alone, and go all cards on the table with how you feel. She will at this point say something like "I don't know" (which really means "oh crap I don't feel the same way because I haven't thought about you like that or I just can't see us --fill in the blank--"), and this is your cue to start convincing big time. It's probably your last chance to do so, too, because this is going to be super awkward.
Now that we've defined the three major possible reasons for the use of "I don't know" in a DTR, let's review just a few key things.
Girls think way ahead in relationships. Even if they haven't looked months or years into the future, they're weighing and measuring how things will last at least into the weeks. Those who claim that they haven't thought about "where it's going", are either lying, or they've been very successfully forcing themselves NOT to. Therefore, an "I don't know" is rarely caused by a lack of thought on the matter, but instead means that something is in the way of her expressing her thoughts.
Fear, insecurity, doubt, discomfort, or chewing are some of the more popular preventatives to DTR free speech. Making sure a girl is comfortable and unthreatened is a good way to start a conversation of this type, but you should always be careful anyway. And don't, for the love of God, go to KFC.
But how to know if what you're having is indeed a DTR, and not just another random fight about something that happened, or an excuse to ETR? (End the Relationship) Usually, these types of phrases are included in the prototype DTR, and don't merely occur in other everyday conversational types.
"Where do you see us going?"
"What are we?" (This is NOT referring to whether we are people, vegetables, or minutae...)
"I don't want to date other people"
"I was thinking we could be more"
(Or, very sneakily,)
"What do you call me when you talk about me to your friends?"
Something like that. Sometimes girls are the one to broach the subject, but in my experience it's mostly been the guys that have done so. With motivations ranging from insecurity because of a possible rival, or some innate male need to stake a claim on perceived territory, to simple curiousity about what the other person feels... there are many reasons to instigate a DTR. But that's not what this particular post is about. This post is about once again deciphering what is going on in the female noggin, when one thing is coming out of our mouths... and 9/10 times, something completely different is going on upstairs.
This particular brain-to-mouth phenomenon that I wish to take note of is the oversimplification designed to elicit a specific response: "I don't know". Unlike the intention that normally precludes this phrase, to explain a lack of knowledge or otherwise indicate ignorance of fact pertaining to the matter at hand, this phrase, when spoken by a girl in response to a DTR-like question, does NOT (contrary to popular belief) mean she is ignorant. Instead, an "I don't know" springing from the "How do you feel about us?" query means a solid one or two things:
One. She is waiting for you to declare your intentions FIRST, before she gives up any of what she's thinking. After all, how does she know why you were asking that question? Particularly if you just slipped it in between a "how was your day?" and "would you prefer a breast or a thigh?" question set. Anyway, as I was saying, in this situation, you need to ask yourself whether you've made it clear (at least in general, for those of you who are faint of heart; i.e. pansies) which direction you're heading. What is it you want her to say? Because honestly, we all know that if you're stupid enough to ask this question, you've got to be a) totally prepared for whatever response she's going to give, b) hoping to move the relationship into a higher plane, or ready to move on, but have definitely been giving subtle signals in said direction --Or, HELLO, you might end up with an "I love you" when you were wanting more of a "Let's see other people" chat, my friend-- and finally, you must also be c) NOT just trying to punk out on making a decision because you want her to do it for you. (If you have done this before, or are planning on doing this again, I swear on behalf of every girl anywhere that I will hunt you to the ends of the earth, and I will make it hurt when I find you. Ahem.)
Two. She does know, but she wants you to say it first. This is a variation of Reason One, except there are some slight differences. She's probably at least 50% sure that this is one of those "good" talks, but just in case she's not going to let you off the hook. Plus, it's good for you to sweat once in a while. Therefore, when you ask, she will say "I don't know", possibly with a coy look and a "go ahead and convince me" type of smile. This is your cue to NOT be a moron, and to tell her exactly what you have in mind as far as the future of the relationship goes.
Three. She knows, but she was really, REALLY hoping you wouldn't ask. The answer is not good, and you've been totally oblivious up until this point. Usually this type of response will be precluded by some pretty obvious avoidance, and occasionally a few "missed calls". If you've noticed this kind of behavior and you ask anyway, well you've got huevos my friend. Only once in my life have I seen this all-out approach work, but it's worth trying if you're crazy about the girl. Basically, you ignore the signals, get her alone, and go all cards on the table with how you feel. She will at this point say something like "I don't know" (which really means "oh crap I don't feel the same way because I haven't thought about you like that or I just can't see us --fill in the blank--"), and this is your cue to start convincing big time. It's probably your last chance to do so, too, because this is going to be super awkward.
Now that we've defined the three major possible reasons for the use of "I don't know" in a DTR, let's review just a few key things.
Girls think way ahead in relationships. Even if they haven't looked months or years into the future, they're weighing and measuring how things will last at least into the weeks. Those who claim that they haven't thought about "where it's going", are either lying, or they've been very successfully forcing themselves NOT to. Therefore, an "I don't know" is rarely caused by a lack of thought on the matter, but instead means that something is in the way of her expressing her thoughts.
Fear, insecurity, doubt, discomfort, or chewing are some of the more popular preventatives to DTR free speech. Making sure a girl is comfortable and unthreatened is a good way to start a conversation of this type, but you should always be careful anyway. And don't, for the love of God, go to KFC.
Porn on the Doorstep
In the traditional pastimes of women, Vero, O'Hara, and I sat around airing our grievances against the male population. Why did he dump me? What's with the silent treatment? Why doesn't he talk to me? Should I dump him? Is he going to dump me? The only possible explanations stemmed from feminine rational.
"If only we had a male perspective," someone lamented.
And what did our wondering eyes did appear? Two men complete in matching jump suits, beanies, and plastic gloves. "We're here to paint the walls." No, dear readers, this was not some strange innuendo, but the very real reality that Vero was halfway through painting her living room walls. Earlier she had requested the help of her two friends, and they had mischievously denied the opportunity to bask in Vero's company, but that was merely a ruse to disguise their true intentions.
This is porn for women. Fully clothed, smiling, spontaneously-helpful men. We only could swoon as they proceeded to paint their walls without direction or assistance and offering their masculine insight why men might cause broken relationships. Extensively. For at least an hour.
The icing on the cake, and gentlemen take note, "Did you dye your hair? It looks really good," inquired Smurf. "Why, yes," I replied, "as a matter of fact I have. Thank you." Oh my gosh. I may need to have a talk with my ecclesiastic leader.
"If only we had a male perspective," someone lamented.
And what did our wondering eyes did appear? Two men complete in matching jump suits, beanies, and plastic gloves. "We're here to paint the walls." No, dear readers, this was not some strange innuendo, but the very real reality that Vero was halfway through painting her living room walls. Earlier she had requested the help of her two friends, and they had mischievously denied the opportunity to bask in Vero's company, but that was merely a ruse to disguise their true intentions.
This is porn for women. Fully clothed, smiling, spontaneously-helpful men. We only could swoon as they proceeded to paint their walls without direction or assistance and offering their masculine insight why men might cause broken relationships. Extensively. For at least an hour.
The icing on the cake, and gentlemen take note, "Did you dye your hair? It looks really good," inquired Smurf. "Why, yes," I replied, "as a matter of fact I have. Thank you." Oh my gosh. I may need to have a talk with my ecclesiastic leader.
Friday, September 14, 2007
How to Speak Girl, section 3
How to avoid terror at the infamous Doorstep Scene:
Now, if you've been paying attention so far, there's no reason for you to freak out. By this point in the date, you should already know how she feels about you, how comfortable she is with you, and whether or not she wants you to touch her. Ever.
If you don't know, you either weren't paying attention, or you are an example of what we have come to technically refer to as stoo-pid. Did you try to hold her hand at any point in the evening, put your arm about her, etc? (These actions are known as "feeling out the terrain" or "laying the groundwork". But in actuality, they're really more like applying for a permit to do either of those things.) Of course, she's on a date with you, and so a certain level of non-hating can be assumed, however physical contact is NEVER something you should just blindly jump into. Unless you have a death wish, or you are very creepy.
So, if you have already lain groundwork, felt out territory, etc... ask yourself how she responded to that and then times it by about twelve. Did she ignore your attempt at interlocking digits? Or did she grab on willingly and initiate the hand caress maneuver that is so popular in the college set? Did she struggle, or create an embarrassing scene when your arm reached around her? Or perhaps, start screaming? (These last two will not have been in the "good sign" category, in case you weren't already aware.) And so, if her reaction to these were on the tentatively favorable, accepting, or blatantly delighted category, feel free to proceed to the doorstep. With caution.
Keep in mind on the last leg of this journey a few little things. One, watch for body language signals. Two, look for lingering eye contact. That's pretty much the Atilla of all "Kiss me" signals. And thirdly, try to weigh the girl's personality and level of innocence against her image, and do not (I repeat, DO NOT) overstep the boundaries of what a first kiss would be to her. In other words, if she's the timid librarian type, and you slobber all over her, game over. Or, if you think she's a wild one and won't mind getting thrown up against the door on a first date, think again. It doesnt' just depend on what she wants (deep down, some do) but what she thinks and also (I HATE to mention this one) what her friends think. And her roomates. Because when she eventually goes inside the house (easy there, Tiger, save some for later) and tells her roomates, sisterfriends, or...mom? what went down, you do not want her to have to edit. Because you are a nice boy, and nice boys don't go Brad Pitt's version of Achilles on the first date. Mmmkay?
Last tidbits of advice for the conclusion of the door scene:
Just like any good Emily Post reader, don't forget to thank her for the date, even if it does seem wildly inappropriate after having just had a biblical introduction. Your mom will be proud.
Also, if a kiss was had, you should probably send her at least a text message that night on your way home, or call her in the morning. Second thoughts and doubts usually (for girls) happen right after any kind of plunge is taken, and not before like you guys.
Last but not least, remember to drive safely home, and try not to run into anything please.
Now, if you've been paying attention so far, there's no reason for you to freak out. By this point in the date, you should already know how she feels about you, how comfortable she is with you, and whether or not she wants you to touch her. Ever.
If you don't know, you either weren't paying attention, or you are an example of what we have come to technically refer to as stoo-pid. Did you try to hold her hand at any point in the evening, put your arm about her, etc? (These actions are known as "feeling out the terrain" or "laying the groundwork". But in actuality, they're really more like applying for a permit to do either of those things.) Of course, she's on a date with you, and so a certain level of non-hating can be assumed, however physical contact is NEVER something you should just blindly jump into. Unless you have a death wish, or you are very creepy.
So, if you have already lain groundwork, felt out territory, etc... ask yourself how she responded to that and then times it by about twelve. Did she ignore your attempt at interlocking digits? Or did she grab on willingly and initiate the hand caress maneuver that is so popular in the college set? Did she struggle, or create an embarrassing scene when your arm reached around her? Or perhaps, start screaming? (These last two will not have been in the "good sign" category, in case you weren't already aware.) And so, if her reaction to these were on the tentatively favorable, accepting, or blatantly delighted category, feel free to proceed to the doorstep. With caution.
Keep in mind on the last leg of this journey a few little things. One, watch for body language signals. Two, look for lingering eye contact. That's pretty much the Atilla of all "Kiss me" signals. And thirdly, try to weigh the girl's personality and level of innocence against her image, and do not (I repeat, DO NOT) overstep the boundaries of what a first kiss would be to her. In other words, if she's the timid librarian type, and you slobber all over her, game over. Or, if you think she's a wild one and won't mind getting thrown up against the door on a first date, think again. It doesnt' just depend on what she wants (deep down, some do) but what she thinks and also (I HATE to mention this one) what her friends think. And her roomates. Because when she eventually goes inside the house (easy there, Tiger, save some for later) and tells her roomates, sisterfriends, or...mom? what went down, you do not want her to have to edit. Because you are a nice boy, and nice boys don't go Brad Pitt's version of Achilles on the first date. Mmmkay?
Last tidbits of advice for the conclusion of the door scene:
Just like any good Emily Post reader, don't forget to thank her for the date, even if it does seem wildly inappropriate after having just had a biblical introduction. Your mom will be proud.
Also, if a kiss was had, you should probably send her at least a text message that night on your way home, or call her in the morning. Second thoughts and doubts usually (for girls) happen right after any kind of plunge is taken, and not before like you guys.
Last but not least, remember to drive safely home, and try not to run into anything please.
How to Speak Girl, section 2
I wish I could tell you each and every example of the dozens of dates I've been on where I not only felt completely detached from the subject of the date, but eventually wanted to escape.
This is because the guy was either A) completely obsessed with doing everything correctly, and paying SO much attention to his own words, actions, and body language trying to impress me that he had NO CLUE how I was doing, B) what we girls tend to call a "player", who prides himself on his ability to get exactly what he wants from a girl using flattery, manipulation, or well planned out truth, but is STILL only thinking about what HE wants from ME, but not me or C) is honestly really good at asking questions and listening to the answers, but spends so much time reacting, trying to interpret those answers or read into them that he misses what I'm actually saying
Now, with the A types, here's what usually happens:
He's a nice guy, really nothing wrong with him, and I had an okay time. But it was more like watching a performance than getting to know an actual person and he comes off as very insecure. Girls don't like insecurity when it comes to acting on feelings, it sends a very bad sign. I might go out on another date, but as a girl I'm not really intrigued, or hoping for anything else.
B types:
We know what you're doing, and it pisses us off. We realize you're playing us like a guitar, and sometimes allow it anyway for whatever reason, but bottom line, we don't like to be manipulated. So even if you do get what you want in the short run, we'll end up hating you in the long run.
C types:
Usually this type confuses us. Do you want to date me, or do you want to be my best friend? You're so busy picking up vibes that you aren't sending any out, and I'm beginning to wonder if you might be a little gay.
How to avoid being one of these types:
Everything in life requires balance. Dealing with a girl is a lot like dancing the Flamenco with plates in your hands and an egg on your head, but it's doable. The first thing you need to realize is that the date is NOT ABOUT YOU. It is about her. That's why you asked her out, because you already know all about you, and you want to know about her. So many guys forget this because they think she wants to know more about them, before she'll give them a chance. But you've neglected to notice that she's already on a date with you. That means you need to stop trying to impress her and get to know her.
So, you want to know whether or not she likes you? Two words: body language.
Q) When you picked her up, (which you should have) did she spare more than one glance at what you were wearing? Did she pause in shock if you were dressed more nicely than you normally are when she sees you? Did she comment at all on the way you looked or smelled?
A) One, two, or All of the Above: Bonus. She's physically aware of you. And either she likes what shes seen already, or she's willing to start thinking about it. Also, if she looks taken aback at all by your hot appearance, there's a chance she's rethinking her opinion of you for the better.
Q) Did she seem comfortable? Were her arms crossed in front of her body, or did she fold her hands together? Did she angle towards you in the car or across the table at dinner? Did she put her hands on top of the table, or under it? Did she ever "unintentionally" brush up against you when it was completely unnecessary?
A) Most of these are pretty easy to judge. Arms crossed or hands folded = bad. She feels uncomfortable, insecure, or threatened. You need to either back off, draw her out, or make her feel safer. Under the table is also not so good a sign, although she might also just be cold. Another sign that most guys would never think to look for: Did she keep her bag in her lap (at the movie theater, under the table, or in the car)? This is a sign of discomfort, mistrust, or an subconciously intentional gesture of setting a barrier. Not a friendly omen. Small points of contact that seem accidental but are just too coincidental to not be on purpose are good. Touchiness as a general rule is a green light.
(At some later time, I will probably publish an in-depth post on male and female body language, but I don't have room here.)
This is because the guy was either A) completely obsessed with doing everything correctly, and paying SO much attention to his own words, actions, and body language trying to impress me that he had NO CLUE how I was doing, B) what we girls tend to call a "player", who prides himself on his ability to get exactly what he wants from a girl using flattery, manipulation, or well planned out truth, but is STILL only thinking about what HE wants from ME, but not me or C) is honestly really good at asking questions and listening to the answers, but spends so much time reacting, trying to interpret those answers or read into them that he misses what I'm actually saying
Now, with the A types, here's what usually happens:
He's a nice guy, really nothing wrong with him, and I had an okay time. But it was more like watching a performance than getting to know an actual person and he comes off as very insecure. Girls don't like insecurity when it comes to acting on feelings, it sends a very bad sign. I might go out on another date, but as a girl I'm not really intrigued, or hoping for anything else.
B types:
We know what you're doing, and it pisses us off. We realize you're playing us like a guitar, and sometimes allow it anyway for whatever reason, but bottom line, we don't like to be manipulated. So even if you do get what you want in the short run, we'll end up hating you in the long run.
C types:
Usually this type confuses us. Do you want to date me, or do you want to be my best friend? You're so busy picking up vibes that you aren't sending any out, and I'm beginning to wonder if you might be a little gay.
How to avoid being one of these types:
Everything in life requires balance. Dealing with a girl is a lot like dancing the Flamenco with plates in your hands and an egg on your head, but it's doable. The first thing you need to realize is that the date is NOT ABOUT YOU. It is about her. That's why you asked her out, because you already know all about you, and you want to know about her. So many guys forget this because they think she wants to know more about them, before she'll give them a chance. But you've neglected to notice that she's already on a date with you. That means you need to stop trying to impress her and get to know her.
So, you want to know whether or not she likes you? Two words: body language.
Q) When you picked her up, (which you should have) did she spare more than one glance at what you were wearing? Did she pause in shock if you were dressed more nicely than you normally are when she sees you? Did she comment at all on the way you looked or smelled?
A) One, two, or All of the Above: Bonus. She's physically aware of you. And either she likes what shes seen already, or she's willing to start thinking about it. Also, if she looks taken aback at all by your hot appearance, there's a chance she's rethinking her opinion of you for the better.
Q) Did she seem comfortable? Were her arms crossed in front of her body, or did she fold her hands together? Did she angle towards you in the car or across the table at dinner? Did she put her hands on top of the table, or under it? Did she ever "unintentionally" brush up against you when it was completely unnecessary?
A) Most of these are pretty easy to judge. Arms crossed or hands folded = bad. She feels uncomfortable, insecure, or threatened. You need to either back off, draw her out, or make her feel safer. Under the table is also not so good a sign, although she might also just be cold. Another sign that most guys would never think to look for: Did she keep her bag in her lap (at the movie theater, under the table, or in the car)? This is a sign of discomfort, mistrust, or an subconciously intentional gesture of setting a barrier. Not a friendly omen. Small points of contact that seem accidental but are just too coincidental to not be on purpose are good. Touchiness as a general rule is a green light.
(At some later time, I will probably publish an in-depth post on male and female body language, but I don't have room here.)
How to Speak Girl, section 1
Today, my friend Devon asked my advice about how to escape a girl dilemma. Again.
"So, how does a guy go about letting a girl know he's interested in a second date, aside from actually saying 'Let's go out again soon.'?" He wondered.
A valid question, although I had to squirm a little because his earnest gaze showed a complete lack of creativity in this department, which a girl never likes to see. "Well, first of all, did she act like she was having a good time, and do you think she likes you?" I returned.
He met my direct gaze with a WTF expression. "How could I possibly know that?"
I can't tell you how many times I've found myself unwillingly dishing out hints to a male friend about what to do next in the ongoing pursuit of a girl, and sometimes I can't help but feel that I am regurgitating the same information over and over and over. It's like third grade cafeteria food, they make the same mistakes over and over again, week by week, and yet the taste never gets better.
So now I'm going to blanket advise the entire subject of first dates. Because, honestly, men. You can read as many articles as you want, ask as many friends, and battle plan from here until doomsday. But there really isn't all that much you need to know.
Here is ONE tactic that will solve all of your first date insecurities, decrease your constant wondering about "what's going on with her", completely smother that doorstep scene awkwardness, and ultimately, will make sure that she will always remember you as a good date. No matter what else happens.
You need to learn how to READ GIRL.
Just like any other language, reading is the first step to learning how to speak and understand it. What she wants, what she's really saying, what she thinks of you... all of these questions are directly answerable in any given situation. IF you PAY ATTENTION.
"So, how does a guy go about letting a girl know he's interested in a second date, aside from actually saying 'Let's go out again soon.'?" He wondered.
A valid question, although I had to squirm a little because his earnest gaze showed a complete lack of creativity in this department, which a girl never likes to see. "Well, first of all, did she act like she was having a good time, and do you think she likes you?" I returned.
He met my direct gaze with a WTF expression. "How could I possibly know that?"
I can't tell you how many times I've found myself unwillingly dishing out hints to a male friend about what to do next in the ongoing pursuit of a girl, and sometimes I can't help but feel that I am regurgitating the same information over and over and over. It's like third grade cafeteria food, they make the same mistakes over and over again, week by week, and yet the taste never gets better.
So now I'm going to blanket advise the entire subject of first dates. Because, honestly, men. You can read as many articles as you want, ask as many friends, and battle plan from here until doomsday. But there really isn't all that much you need to know.
Here is ONE tactic that will solve all of your first date insecurities, decrease your constant wondering about "what's going on with her", completely smother that doorstep scene awkwardness, and ultimately, will make sure that she will always remember you as a good date. No matter what else happens.
You need to learn how to READ GIRL.
Just like any other language, reading is the first step to learning how to speak and understand it. What she wants, what she's really saying, what she thinks of you... all of these questions are directly answerable in any given situation. IF you PAY ATTENTION.
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